mercredi, août 23, 2006

the extreme way



I read somewhere, if you want to make some change to you, your environment, or your life which is dear to you, you have to do it the extreme way, just in case you always failed to make the change.
It also could apply to your loved ones. In my case, several times ago, for some reason, I knew that the significant other of mine had no equal reciprocation, feeling-wise. I actually kinda knew that this was not working out, cuz it's not good for me, to have feelings more than I received. Not good for my easily-scarred heart.. haha!. And the relationship did end a year ago. I had to step back for a reason. I had to deal with the pain and the sudden loss of self-esteem which quite naturally you have to endure after every break-up. It took me lots of months to recover fully.. But I had to admit, I actually never succeeded in erasing the person totally (we did have great times). For this, let me quote from a movie I like: " You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story" (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). So the person was not totally erased.. still lingered in the bottom of my sub-conscious, I guess.. But it was okay.. I could go on with my life, with a little something here and there that reminds me of the person. Not damaging. Just okay.
But then few months ago, fate led us to meet each other again. And from that night, all "hell" broke loose. The feelings that were firmly contained, the memories that was supposedly lingering dormantly in my mind suddenly ran amok. Because there it was! The person! The personification of my love, my ideal depiction of someone special right in front of me! No matter how hurt I was before, the sight of the person really washed it all.. And I was needed.. Well, maybe just for company, or just for an ear to lend.. it's okay. I was willing to face the consequences. I risked another break to my old heart, but I grasped myself and said, "I'd face anything to have the person again in my life". Just the presence. Nothing more.
Although suddenly I was reminded of how dreaded love could be. How you could feel hopelessly in love with someone who hurt you, left you and truly showed that you are just not special, without being able to leave them and erase them completely from your mind. I realized that I risked being trapped in the same web; the evil and sinister web of love! haha!!
Just after I thought of it, something happened that really made me quite angry to the person at that time, I had to disconnect the phone to avoid myself saying rude things to that person I cared so much. The moment and the emotion was unavoidable, and the reaction I got was just an sms. I guess I irritated the person at the other end of the line :p Well, it irritated me as much! Just an sms?! After all we had?! (oh well, perhaps what we had was special only for me and not the other way around)
Nevertheless, there was a pang of remorse in me.. But hey.. Perhaps this is what it takes for me to move on..
I really do hope this way could make me over the hurt and the inadequateness I feel.. but definitely not the memories.. :)
So thank you.. for hurting me again and for making me took the extreme way..

5 Comments:

Blogger Ray said...

Va ou s'en va l'amour
Va sans larmes
Va sans armes
Ou l'on s'aime
Ou l'amour s'en va

Il n'y a qu'un chemin pour le reve
Il n'y a qu'un seul mot pour le dire
C'est l'amour

4:34 PM  
Blogger Avin said...

vraiment.. l'amour.. c'est tres fou!

10:38 AM  
Blogger Sie said...

love is a precious thing to feel, and hurting just part of it :)
just take the positive thing of it.
gambatte kudasai :)

10:27 AM  
Blogger FamousFeline said...

Ce commentaire a été supprimé par un administrateur du blog.

1:18 PM  
Blogger FamousFeline said...

Darling, go with Anggun's "Juste Avant Toi".

I do know how it feels to have the so-called one-way-love thingy. And it is definitely unattractive.

Clinging to the past is also unattractive, and it keeps our sanity hanging on a thin thread, but most of the times, the past is all we've got when we're too afraid to look to the future.

I deleted my gaydar, fridae and worldgaymen accounts after I broke up with this one. Like you, it's awfully painful and tiresome to meet someone new again, build a new relationship again, fill your stomach with butterflies again...

Take a pause. You've run a long way. Take a rest. Get your nails done, celebrate your survival, drink champagne, go to feel-good movies.

In the end, it will all just be but little scars.

1:19 PM  

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